Why Boundaries Are So Important in Rebuilding Self-Worth

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Oh My! If you’re anything like me, you’re tired of hearing about these boundary things. You’ve heard the word from your counselor, therapist, or life coach. You’ve heard them from your friends. You’ve heard the word on podcasts and YouTube videos, and you’ve read it in books. I get it, I get it you scream in your head. I need to set boundaries!

I was (and sometimes still am) this way too. When I first embarked on this self-improvement journey I kept hearing about “boundaries”. I recognized that I maybe (just a little teeny, tiny bit) had a problem with setting and maintaining boundaries, but it seemed so simple that my pride kicked in and told me that it was nothing to worry about and that I had it under control. Ugh. I was wrong. Not only was I wrong then, I still don’t have boundaries fully under control to this day.

Setting boundaries is really freakin’ hard work, and maintaining them is even harder. Depending on where you’re at in your self-worth journey, it might be hard to recognize where you lack boundaries. It might be hard to decide what boundaries you want to put up, and if you struggle with assertiveness then enforcing new boundaries becomes one of the hardest things you’re going to have to do. It becomes easier over time, with strangers and new or distant acquaintances, but often it is those people who we need to set boundaries with the most (think toxic/manipulative parents, friends, partners, or ex-partners) that are the hardest to keep in place.

What are boundaries?

Ok, so let’s start with a simple definition and example. A boundary is some kind of border. It is “a line that marks the limits of an area” or “a limit of a subject or sphere of activity”. When we think of boundaries, we might think of walls, fences, borders of countries, rules, or a mental or behavioral restraint or restriction of some kind. The picture above of a walled coastal city is a great metaphor to consider when we are thinking about the concept of emotional/behavioral boundaries for ourselves.

Why might a coastal city be built with such a wall surrounding it? There are probably two main reasons: to protect it from danger from the outside, as well as keep those who belong inside. A coastal city would need to keep enemies from attacking, protect its citizens from the natural elements, and monitor who is allowed in for trade or mingling with its society. On the flip side, cities like this can keep control of the citizens within its walls, keep food stored in case of siege or other emergencies, and generally create a feeling of security and safety for those who live there.

Likewise, boundaries for ourselves do the very same. When we set firm, reasonable boundaries based on our needs we

• keep out those who would harm us
• protect ourselves from outside influences of the world
• monitor who we allow into our heart, body, and mind
• allow ourselves to store up emotional/mental strength for when we need it
• and provide a safe space for us to live, where we can trust that we are secure and taken care of

By setting boundaries we take ownership of our physical, emotional, and mental space. This act is one of the best ways to grow self-worth because it means you are recognizing what you actually want, need, and value, are able to communicate it and stand up for yourself in order to live in accordance with those things.

What do healthy boundaries look like?

It’s important to get a sense of what a healthy boundary looks like before you go around erecting walls to keep everything out. This is crucial because, to be honest, those of us who struggle with self-worth usually either let everything in or try to keep everything out, neither of which is going to make us feel happy or better about ourselves.

A healthy boundary will help you feel safe and respected, keep an appropriate distance between you and others (this varies based on the relationships), and allow for more connectedness and respect in your relationships. Healthy boundaries are created from deep self-reflection, a recognition of important values and beliefs, and exist to keep your relationships healthy, reciprocal, and stable. Unhealthy boundaries are created to hurt others, decided on and enforced with an attitude of aggression, enforced sporadically or not at all, always changing, or non-existent.

How do I know what my boundaries are?

Personal boundaries are different for everyone. What is unacceptable to one person is perfectly fine with another. It is up to you to determine what behaviors, from yourself and from others, that you will accept based on your values, needs and wants for your life. Another thing to consider is that you may have different boundaries for different areas of your life or different people. For instance, you may be ok with a good friend calling you last minute to make plans, but choose to disengage from a new love interest who doesn’t make plans with you ahead of time. You may trust your father enough to talk to him about your finances but put up a hard boundary on the topic with your mother. Boundaries are also fluid and can change with different levels of intimacy.

If you haven’t before, here are some things to consider when determining your boundaries.

• Start with determining your values, needs, and goals. If needed, make lists of your top values, needs, and goals. Without knowing who you are and what you’re working for it is hard to know what to accept and what not to accept. Once you know what they are, you will be more aware when one of them is being challenged.
• Ask yourself: Are there any areas of your life where someone is not respecting one of these elements? If so, these are probably people or areas which you should set some boundaries around.
• Ask yourself: Are there any areas of your life where you consistently “give in” and go against your values, needs, or goals? You may want to look at why you do this and try to set some boundaries for yourself to follow.

If you generally feel powerless and unheard, it may be due to not having clear boundaries that nourish YOU. You may be people-pleasing, which means you have inconsistent or nonexistent boundaries with others (or yourself!). Or, you may be putting up unrealistic or unhealthy boundaries which close you off to vulnerability in order to protect yourself, leaving you feeling alone and shut off. Identifying your values, needs, and goals will help you determine which areas/people in your life need boundaries, and where to focus the boundary.

6 Steps to Setting Healthy, Effective Boundaries

1. Practice being assertive. Assertiveness doesn’t = rudeness, which is what some of us were raised to believe. Assertiveness just means that you know what standards you are and aren’t willing to settle for, and you are able and willing to communicate them to others. When I first started focusing on this, I started with being assertive in restaurants, grocery stores, or other places where I interacted with people I didn’t know. Whereas in the past I would just get angry or sad when a restaurant got my order wrong, I consciously made the effort to address the issue (politely) and ask for a replacement or refund. This was scary at first, but doing this helped me build up my ‘assertive muscle’ and be less afraid to stand up for what I want (or need or paid for).

2. Know your bottom line. This is important in determining your actual boundary- the action you specifically want to change or implement. You have to sit down and determine what your bottom line is. It is so easy when setting boundaries to get lost in the emotions and past that led up to you setting the boundary. You may feel like you want to create 20 different rules for someone to follow, but effective boundaries are clear, to the point, and not excessive. So decide what it is you absolutely have to have/change/need and move on to step 3.

3. Communicate firm, clear boundaries with real consequences. Some boundaries are cultural (meaning they are ingrained into you as social rules or norms), and some boundaries are communicated non-verballing (backing away when someone is in your personal space), but many boundaries need to be verbally communicated. Another person may not know they are violating your boundary if you haven’t told them what it is (and to be fair, you may have not even realized until they violated it), so it is vitally important than when you realize you want to set a boundary, you do so in a clear, concise, and firm way. For instance, ” Mom, when I am disciplining my children I need for you to let me do it my own way. Please do not interject or talk over me. If you continue to do that, I will cut our visits short”. You get the idea.

Just make sure that you are as specific as possible — If you do __________, I will do _________. Avoid making vague statements like “I need you to call more” or “be respectful”, because inevitably their idea of being respectful will be different from yours. And make sure your consequence is something you are ready and willing to follow through on (more on that below).

4. Try to set emotions aside. Ooof .This is a hard one, and one that I sadly failed at recently. It is sooooo easy and feels so validating to let loose on someone and bring up all the ways that they have hurt you and walked all over you in the past. BUT, honestly, this isn’t the best way to set boundaries and I’ll tell you why- It gives the other person a reason to invalidate you, to call you crazy, to disregard you because you are “too angry” or “always upset about something”. You know why you are so upset (and rightfully so), but people who don’t respect boundaries are going to hate it when you stand up for yourself. So, the more matter of fact and to the point you can be, the less likely you will get sucked into an argument and lose your boundary in the process.

5. Follow through. I can’t stress this enough. Follow through with your consequences. If you tell your mother you won’t visit her house if she keeps ignoring your boundary, then you have to stop visiting. If you tell your boyfriend that if he doesn’t respond to your text message you will leave him, you have to be ready to leave. It is going to make you feel so much worse and trust yourself less if you set a boundary and make excuses time after time. So when you set consequences, make sure they are ones you are willing to enforce.

6. Keep trying. Short and sweet. This is hard to do. It is hard to know exactly what you are and are not okay with, but the important thing is for you to be more aware of how you feel in situations and practice being assertive in setting those boundaries. You’re going to mess up and get emotional and set sloppy boundaries and all of that, but keep trying.

I hope this article was helpful in your journey to setting boundaries and growing your self-worth. It is a process and takes time, but it is possible to get better and feel more empowered in your life.

Note: This article was originally published under a pseudonym and a former website. I have updated it and decided to publish it here to reach a wider audience.